Between Yes and No

One of the first things I ever remember learning about God (right about the time I learned that the trinity is like an egg, 1+1=2, and training wheels are a huge confidence booster) is that sometimes God answers "yes", sometimes he answer "no" and sometimes he answers "not yet".  The interesting thing about growing up is that training wheels become a thing of the past, simple math turns into long division and the idea of the trinity is far more complicated and interesting than a simple egg metaphor.  I've since learned that more often than not God's answer is "not yet" and that can be really frustrating in our world of instant gratification.  I've also learned that the bigger the prayer and the more important the answer the more likely it is for the answer to be a giant, irritating "not yet".

I've heard way more "not yets" then I feel like I deserve.  But after twenty-five years of getting to know God, I have also seen the ends many of those irritating demands to wait and there has not been a single time it was not worth it.  I remember the first big thing I ever asked God for as a lonely elementary schooler.  All I wanted was a good friend.  Not just any friend but a real friend who would keep me accountable, challenge me, and with whom I could do the same.  There was no magical answer.  God didn't tell me no but I sure didn't get a yes that day either.  I had to work on myself, I had to learn to be a good friend and love myself and others the way God loved me.  I prayed that prayer far more times than seems acceptable but everytime the wait ended, God brought me a better, truer friend.

I have prayed many difficult prayers over the years and each time I land in the scary world of "not yet", it feels like free falling.  Like you've just jumped off a ledge straight to hell and when you hit bottom you'll be in a place God can't find you.  Thank the Lord that's far from the case.  Over the years, I have learned that sometimes God lets us free fall cause it's only when we're in this state that we realize the only thing left is him.  The "not yet" is big and scary but it's only because there is something bigger and better down the road.  

A little over three years ago I received a "not yet" that wrecked me.  It wrecked me because, like many people, I thought the "not yet" was actually a "no".  I had been fired from my job, my parents were leaving me, and I was still in the midst of a four year Master's.  I was racking up debt and it looked like I would be homeless and jobless by the end of summer.  In a leap of faith I switched from a four year program to a one year program.  I felt like God was giving me a giant "YES" to move to Texas and do a job he had stirred up in my heart to do two years before.  But the door slammed in my face.  WEAP didn't want me, in my brokenness it seemed like my family didn't want me, and then Heartlight didn't want me either.  I didn't understand why God would seem to give me the thumbs up only for him to slam the door in my face.  In the last year, I have heard far too many stories like this one, where this was the last straw, the final proof that God didn't exist or that he hates them.  It nearly did the same to me.

I had lost everything and I had hoped Heartlight would be the answer to my prayers.  I had no idea what I still had to learn.  I thought the door had closed forever.  Or as I like to say, I thought I had missed the last train.  But as it turned out the answer wasn't a "no" it was merely a "not yet"  My life changed drastically during those two years.  First a year where I fell deeper into despair than I thought capable, followed by a year of greater joy than I thought possible.  Then the struggle once again as it became time to move on again.  I sought direction and I thought I had found the solution. 

There were people in my life at the time who couldn't fully understand why doing a six month prayer and worship program was a bad idea.  I'll admit I didn't understand why God was saying "no" either but as I began the application process the turmoil only seemed to deepen.  I can still see the confusion on my friends face when I told her that I wouldn't be doing the program.  We had both been so sure it was God's will but something still told me it wasn't a good idea.  And since it was my last chance to do the program, it seemed like this time it was a very clear "no".  God had laid Heartlight on my heart again.  I couldn't help but think "Yeah right, you said no before why would you change your mind now."  But as it turned out the answer was merely a "not yet"  A year ago last July, I got on a plane to Texas and walked onto a campus that would be my future.  A number of times in the process I thought the answer was still going to be a "no" and the I felt like I was free falling again, lost in the fear.  The One Thing internship would have been a far easier path to take.  And I don't think I would have regretted it but I wouldn't have grown.

It's been almost a year since I stepped foot on the Heartlight campus, walked through the doors of South House to a room of overly excited, screaming teenage girls and decided that through thick or thin I would love them.  I wouldn't trade this year for anything.  Not the sleepless nights, the missed meals, the emergency room visits, the blood and tears, the hard conversations, or the hurtful words.  These last few months have been a different kind of difficult.  As my time here at Heartlight ends, it's hard to not transition all my attention onto the next thing.  

I felt like I had hit the end three months ago, felt like I had learned all that I had come here to learn and truly didn't feel like I was making the impact I wanted to make.  I can almost hear God chuckling to himself as I write this.  He made it very clear six months in when my end would be and I'm not one to give up very easily.  When I hit that place three months ago I asked God why I needed to stick around when I had learned what I came to learn.  I was getting tired and didn't feel like I had much more to give.  If anything I felt like I was doing more harm than good.  But once again the answer was "not yet".  I wasn't to leave yet, he wasn't done with me or the girls I lived with even though I felt like I had nothing more to give.  Then he spoke words to my heart that shook me.  He told me very clearly, "If you're gonna shut down then you might as well drive over that cattle guard right now and never look back.  But if you came here to change lives, other than your own, shut up and go love them already."

I'm still tired that hasn't changed, but I never knew I had so much love to give.  In three weeks I will have been here for a year and seven weeks after that I will drive over that cattle guard for the last time.  Wow! That just doesn't seem real, life outside this place doesn't seem real.  My definition of a good day has completely changed right alongside my definition of love.  I never would have thought that leaving would scare me more than staying.  I keep asking God for clarity in what comes next but he just keeps giving me my favorite answer. "Not yet, dear daughter, not yet."  In ten weeks I'll drive over that cattle guard and I'll be free falling again but that's ok because God has never let me down before.  I know that I'm going the right direction, I know that leaving is in his timing just as it was in his timing to come.  I know that if he can pull me kicking and screaming through this year, he can get me through anything and while I'm nervous about what's next, I'm also excited!  Nothing can be very dull when God is involved and I wouldn't trade this adventure for anything.