Is It Really Ok to Love Myself?

As many of you know, this past year I have been working on my second novel, Song of the Dove.  Over the course of writing this story of love I have had to dive deeply into some rather dark places.  Operation Kaleidoscope was most definitely my quest for freedom and Song of the Dove has been my quest for what it truly means to love.  After spending a year at Heartlight, deep in the trenches of confusion and desperation.  After talking to close to a hundred teenagers and 20-somethings in just the course of the last year and hundreds more over the course of my life, I have heard one resounding cry: "No one can possibly love me."

I have watched this cry of desperation take the lives of some and almost claim the lives of others.  I have seen that pain etched on the skin of far too many and reflected in the dull gaze of far more lost souls.  It seems everywhere I turn I see and hear of nothing but death.  Under every "I'm Fine" there seems to hide a cry of "Save Me."  Then an ARMY rises up and starts screaming a message of Love Yourself loud enough for the entire world to hear and it is beautiful!  But every thing of beauty has to be greeted by something ugly to show just how beautiful it is.  When I take my eyes off social media for two seconds the people standing in front of me seem to be filled with hate or at the very least confusion.  In addition to confusion as to why I would be interested in listening to foreign music I have heard a few doubts that I am losing my way.  

I find this laughable since I have never been the fan girl type.  I have never in my life hung boy band posters in my room, written fan fiction or spent half a paycheck on a cardboard cutout (no hate to those who have. 😘) and I have no intent to start now.  I haven't changed.  I absolutely loathe anything having to with mainstream and I don't pick my passions easily.  But if there is one thing I am passionate about it's identity!  The need for identity is something that is etched deep on each of our hearts and it is something I have dedicated my life to since I was a mere middle schooler checking out psychology and self-help books at my local library.  I didn't know then where that road would lead me.  It led me into public school my junior year of high school, to Central Bible College, to Hearlight and now for some reason that I still don't quite understand that search has brought me to BTS.  To a Korean group that is literally saving lives with their music.  

No I don't care if their music is another language because everyday I am scrolling through comments of lives that have been saved.  In fact, in a way I cannot explain other than to say it is God, their music has stirred more prayers from my heart than any other music (aside from probably Misty Edwards) not only for those boys who are literally carrying the weight of the entire world on their shoulders but also for those who have turned on their music and decided to live another day. 

Now I know some of you are already cheering along with this message and I appreciate your support but this message is really not for you.  You are already convinced.  For those of you who still aren't don't worry I'm not trying to get you on the BTS band wagon.  Gross!  Like I said I'm not a fan girl (except around my sister, she always seems to bring out the "Best of Me" 😉)  But I've had the doubts too.  Anyone who knows me knows that Jesus is the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, the one who saved my life and showed me the light (quite literally) and gave me freedom.  If he's my wings, hope and first love, then they can't be and I can't be there's.  So how can I get behind a group that promotes self-love?  How could I when the love of my life has already told me to love others MORE than myself?

All my life I have had the Golden Rule quoted at me by far too many people on far too many occasions.  "Love your neighbor, love your neighbor, love your neighbor."  I'm not saying I disagree with them but the second part is always left as an afterthought: "As you love yourself."  How can I love others if I have not learned to love myself as God loves me.  Yes, we should love other's more than ourselves because love is never more pure than when it is based on a foundation of humility.  But somewhere along the lines humility got confused with self-loathing and self-love got confused with arrogance.  

As my all-time favorite author states in his novel Eyes Wide Open "You cannot love anything or anyone more than you love yourself and you can't truly love yourself unless you see yourself whole.  If you secretly disapprove of any part of yourself, you will secretly hate part of the ONE who made you...The good news is, you can love yourself because you, too, are now love, dead to anything but love.  Everything else is of your own making: a lie you believe; a story from an accuser that ravages you and keeps you locked in that cage.  Love yourself, as he who made you loves you and has made you whole, without any further blame or fault.  See with new eyes.  Then you will know just how beautiful your world is now.  All of it.  Every, scar, every bruise, every tear, every joy.  Beautiful." (For more of Ted Dekker's writing on the "Forgotten Way" and "The Way of Love" click here!)

As with anything there must always be a balance.  On the flip side of this hate toward the "Love Yourself" Movement, I have seen hate from those within the movement itself.  Love that has turned into selfishness and has led to the rejection of anyone who doesn't agree with them.  People who have turned against their Christian parents, brothers, sisters and the church itself because they have felt nothing but judgment from those claiming to love them.  They have chosen to pay this hate in kind because they have declared that "no one has the right to tell me how to live." rather than letting love guide them.

This morning I read a passage in 1 Corinthians that I have probably read a thousand times but today it really struck me:  "If [someone] invites you [to their home] and you want to go, [partake in] whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience.  But if someone says to you 'this [goes against what I believe]' then do not eat it, [touch it, say it, listen to it, or watch it], both for the sake of the one who [holds the conviction] and for the sake of conscience.  I am referring to the other person's conscience, not yours.  For why is my freedom being judged by another's conscience?  If I take part in [what they offer] in thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?" (1 Cor 10:27-30)

Loving ourselves and finding freedom, does not mean that others can't or shouldn't have expectations of us or hold us accountable to a higher calling.  When we love ourselves and are confident in who God has declared us to be as his son or daughter, then their own convictions do not have to be seen as an attack against us.  Loving ourselves means having room to love others because you're not always on the defense.  It means being able to see the unique qualities of others because you have learned to see your own and their uniqueness is no longer threatening.  It means not trying to force others into the box of sameness out of fear that their shine will outshine yours.  It means realizing that not everyone has discovered freedom as you have and having compassion for their journey.

Loving others means helping others learn to love themselves and sometimes sacrificing our own freedoms for the sake or their journey.  Sometimes we have to put on a mask not out of hypocrisy but for the sake of another's journey.  "There are hundreds of me’s inside of me. I’m facing a new me again today. It’s all me anyway. So instead of worrying, I’m just gonna run" this race "in such a way as to get the prize" (Idol by BTS and 1 Cor 9:24).  We must take a new perspective.  We must teach our hearts that the opposite of love is not hate it is fear and judgment comes from a heart of fear.  Before we cast judgments toward those who judge us we must ask ourselves why we judge, why we fear?  I have found that more often than not the answer is that we all love but not all have learned how to express it.  

So let's learn to love ourselves "Not so perfect but so beautiful" so that we can learn to love others and "shine our precious souls" (Epiphany by BTS)

Between Yes and No

One of the first things I ever remember learning about God (right about the time I learned that the trinity is like an egg, 1+1=2, and training wheels are a huge confidence booster) is that sometimes God answers "yes", sometimes he answer "no" and sometimes he answers "not yet".  The interesting thing about growing up is that training wheels become a thing of the past, simple math turns into long division and the idea of the trinity is far more complicated and interesting than a simple egg metaphor.  I've since learned that more often than not God's answer is "not yet" and that can be really frustrating in our world of instant gratification.  I've also learned that the bigger the prayer and the more important the answer the more likely it is for the answer to be a giant, irritating "not yet".

I've heard way more "not yets" then I feel like I deserve.  But after twenty-five years of getting to know God, I have also seen the ends many of those irritating demands to wait and there has not been a single time it was not worth it.  I remember the first big thing I ever asked God for as a lonely elementary schooler.  All I wanted was a good friend.  Not just any friend but a real friend who would keep me accountable, challenge me, and with whom I could do the same.  There was no magical answer.  God didn't tell me no but I sure didn't get a yes that day either.  I had to work on myself, I had to learn to be a good friend and love myself and others the way God loved me.  I prayed that prayer far more times than seems acceptable but everytime the wait ended, God brought me a better, truer friend.

I have prayed many difficult prayers over the years and each time I land in the scary world of "not yet", it feels like free falling.  Like you've just jumped off a ledge straight to hell and when you hit bottom you'll be in a place God can't find you.  Thank the Lord that's far from the case.  Over the years, I have learned that sometimes God lets us free fall cause it's only when we're in this state that we realize the only thing left is him.  The "not yet" is big and scary but it's only because there is something bigger and better down the road.  

A little over three years ago I received a "not yet" that wrecked me.  It wrecked me because, like many people, I thought the "not yet" was actually a "no".  I had been fired from my job, my parents were leaving me, and I was still in the midst of a four year Master's.  I was racking up debt and it looked like I would be homeless and jobless by the end of summer.  In a leap of faith I switched from a four year program to a one year program.  I felt like God was giving me a giant "YES" to move to Texas and do a job he had stirred up in my heart to do two years before.  But the door slammed in my face.  WEAP didn't want me, in my brokenness it seemed like my family didn't want me, and then Heartlight didn't want me either.  I didn't understand why God would seem to give me the thumbs up only for him to slam the door in my face.  In the last year, I have heard far too many stories like this one, where this was the last straw, the final proof that God didn't exist or that he hates them.  It nearly did the same to me.

I had lost everything and I had hoped Heartlight would be the answer to my prayers.  I had no idea what I still had to learn.  I thought the door had closed forever.  Or as I like to say, I thought I had missed the last train.  But as it turned out the answer wasn't a "no" it was merely a "not yet"  My life changed drastically during those two years.  First a year where I fell deeper into despair than I thought capable, followed by a year of greater joy than I thought possible.  Then the struggle once again as it became time to move on again.  I sought direction and I thought I had found the solution. 

There were people in my life at the time who couldn't fully understand why doing a six month prayer and worship program was a bad idea.  I'll admit I didn't understand why God was saying "no" either but as I began the application process the turmoil only seemed to deepen.  I can still see the confusion on my friends face when I told her that I wouldn't be doing the program.  We had both been so sure it was God's will but something still told me it wasn't a good idea.  And since it was my last chance to do the program, it seemed like this time it was a very clear "no".  God had laid Heartlight on my heart again.  I couldn't help but think "Yeah right, you said no before why would you change your mind now."  But as it turned out the answer was merely a "not yet"  A year ago last July, I got on a plane to Texas and walked onto a campus that would be my future.  A number of times in the process I thought the answer was still going to be a "no" and the I felt like I was free falling again, lost in the fear.  The One Thing internship would have been a far easier path to take.  And I don't think I would have regretted it but I wouldn't have grown.

It's been almost a year since I stepped foot on the Heartlight campus, walked through the doors of South House to a room of overly excited, screaming teenage girls and decided that through thick or thin I would love them.  I wouldn't trade this year for anything.  Not the sleepless nights, the missed meals, the emergency room visits, the blood and tears, the hard conversations, or the hurtful words.  These last few months have been a different kind of difficult.  As my time here at Heartlight ends, it's hard to not transition all my attention onto the next thing.  

I felt like I had hit the end three months ago, felt like I had learned all that I had come here to learn and truly didn't feel like I was making the impact I wanted to make.  I can almost hear God chuckling to himself as I write this.  He made it very clear six months in when my end would be and I'm not one to give up very easily.  When I hit that place three months ago I asked God why I needed to stick around when I had learned what I came to learn.  I was getting tired and didn't feel like I had much more to give.  If anything I felt like I was doing more harm than good.  But once again the answer was "not yet".  I wasn't to leave yet, he wasn't done with me or the girls I lived with even though I felt like I had nothing more to give.  Then he spoke words to my heart that shook me.  He told me very clearly, "If you're gonna shut down then you might as well drive over that cattle guard right now and never look back.  But if you came here to change lives, other than your own, shut up and go love them already."

I'm still tired that hasn't changed, but I never knew I had so much love to give.  In three weeks I will have been here for a year and seven weeks after that I will drive over that cattle guard for the last time.  Wow! That just doesn't seem real, life outside this place doesn't seem real.  My definition of a good day has completely changed right alongside my definition of love.  I never would have thought that leaving would scare me more than staying.  I keep asking God for clarity in what comes next but he just keeps giving me my favorite answer. "Not yet, dear daughter, not yet."  In ten weeks I'll drive over that cattle guard and I'll be free falling again but that's ok because God has never let me down before.  I know that I'm going the right direction, I know that leaving is in his timing just as it was in his timing to come.  I know that if he can pull me kicking and screaming through this year, he can get me through anything and while I'm nervous about what's next, I'm also excited!  Nothing can be very dull when God is involved and I wouldn't trade this adventure for anything.

Operation Rainbow: Interview with Flint Marshall [Spoilers]

This character interview contains spoilers to Operation Kaleidoscope and is intended to be read after completing the novel.  To get your copy Click here.

Statement of

Gunnery Sergeant Flint Marshall

Of the 405^th division

Operation Rainbow: Military Status

Project Rise Test Subject

Transcribed as follows:

Kelsey Graham: Have a seat, we’ll make this quick and short, I’m sure you have other more pressing matters to get to,  Sergeant Marshall.

Flint Marshall: Not gonna lie this isn’t something I ever wanted to do an interview for.

Kelsey: Well if it makes you feel better, this isn’t a normal interview.  I’m not a reporter or anything.  This is just for our records so that we can create a complete picture of what happened two years ago.  So to start tell us about Operation Rainbow.

Flint: I’m not really a good person to give you details on that quite honestly.  I was hired for my military experience like most of us were.  There were two factions of the Operation: Scientists and military types.  As you can imagine I fit into the former.  I was there for the safety of the operation, to protect from any “unforeseen threats” to what we were doing.

Kelsey: Unforeseen threats such as Obsidian?

Flint: Yes, but of course demonic wasn’t exactly the lines we were thinking along.

Kelsey: Before we dive into Obsidian, tell me a bit about your life before Isabelline’s resurrection.

Flint: Well for starters she wasn’t resurrected.  The real Isabelline is dead, James just used her DNA to create a new body.  But to answer your question, we lived a normal life.  We had a home on this island.  My wife Natalie and our son Cobalt.  We had plans to have a family, but Obsidian changed all that.

Kelsey: I have in my notes that before the “treatment” was developed the women and children were brought into hiding underground.  Before that the underground area wasn’t used, is that correct.

Flint: That’s correct.  Natalie and Cobalt went into hiding and I faced Obsidian with my company.  Her body was weak that was the only reason we were able to subdue her.  Unfortunately I nearly sacrificed my life in the process.

Kelsey:  Yes, tell me about that.  Obsidian left you for dead and later your body was discovered and you became the first recipient of Project Rise.

Flint: That’s right.  The Rise serum was something that Operation Rainbow had developed through our DNA research.  I was clinically dead when they found me.  Clearly, I’m not a scientist but the Rise Serum is made from my own DNA and is injected straight into the heart.  The idea is that your DNA mixed with whatever else is in the serum, encourages your body to rebuild itself.

Kelsey: Something must have gone wrong.  Your body clearly didn’t rebuild itself.

Flint: Not to its fullest capacity no.  They still needed to use cybernetic parts to complete me.  I’m more robot now it seems then human, but I guess I should just be thankful I’m alive.

Kelsey: Now as you said, you were clinically dead for a time.  Can you tell me what happened when the Operation believed you and your wife to be deceased?

Flint: My son was in every sense of the word an orphan for about four hours.  That doesn’t seem like much time, but it was just long enough for him to be the easiest choice as the first child to receive the “treatment”.  It was a sick decision, made by desperate people.  No one knew the results of what the “treatment” would do.  Sorry this is difficult…If something had happened…But I can’t dwell on that.  Cobalt received the “treatment” and proved not only that it worked in subduing Obsidian, but that it was, in essence, “safe” to try on other children.

Kelsey: What happened to your son after that?

Flint: Well I know you know the story of what happened with Operation Kaleidoscope.  He developed powers and all that.  But between the operations he was adopted by my brother.  My brother and sister-in-law were missionaries to Japan, so he grew up on the mainland until his powers started to manifest.  It’s my understanding that they never knew about the treatment but after Rachel died they moved back to the states.  Cobalt was a teenager by that time but moved back to Japan as soon as he could. 

Kelsey: That’s where he learned about the island.  That must have been difficult for you to be so close and yet not be able to see him.

Flint: It was.  He started making trips to the island and it took everything I had not to go to him.  But I knew he wouldn’t understand.  As you can see, my appearance is terrifying, and he believed my brother and his wife to be his biological parents.  It was a fantasy I didn’t want to destroy for him.

Kelsey: I think that just about wraps it up.  I just have just a few more questions for our records.  Are there any other concerns about the closing down of this Operation?  Things we should be concerned about going forward?

Flint:  I’ll never say never.  Obsidian is an immortal being.  Just because he can no longer use Belle as a vessel, doesn’t mean you can’t find another way.  But there is something stronger.  It took Operation Rainbow to reveal that to me but there is a power that goes far beyond Obsidian.

Kelsey: Oh yes, I nearly forgot about the resurrection experience.  We heard Azurite’s story but how did that look for you?

Flint: Quite honestly there’s nothing to tell.  I just didn’t give myself room to doubt.  In the end I had to remember that it was God’s reputation on the line, not my own.  I was just the vessel he would use and I allowed him to use me as he would.

Kelsey: Vessel?  You used that same word in reference to Obsidian and Isabelline.  How is what you experienced different from what Isabelline experienced?

Flint:  God is different for one thing.  God doesn’t control us, he partners with us.  Obsidian took Isabelline by force, took control and made her do things without her consent.  God never does that.  He whispers to our hearts and makes requests but it is always our choice whether we will listen.  He didn’t force me to put my hands on Azurite’s rotting corpse but the urge to do so was so strong, I knew it was what he wanted me to do.  I could have walked out of that room and the feeling probably would have gone away.  But Azurite would still be dead.  When the stakes are that high, the better question is why WOULDN’T you take the risk?

Kelsey: I guess I never thought of it that way.  Well I believe that is all the questions I have.  I still have a lot of interviews to conduct before we can close down this project for good.  Thanks Sergeant Marshall, for everything you’ve done in keeping this world safe from Obsidian.  There are many who owe you their lives.

Official Announcement

Well it is official! My novel, Operation Kaleidoscope, is in my hands.  Just a few more weeks and it should be in your hands too.  I can't wait to share this story with you!  With this, I will be changing the way I do this blog.  While I will still be using it to share my thoughts on life and what God is teaching me I will also be focusing a lot on my writing journey.  As a transformational fiction writer many of my revelations will be included in my novels and I would love to share with you the behind the scenes experiences that will become a part of these novels.  In addition, I will also use this blog to share snippets of what I am working on, character or plot sneak-peeks, publishing announcements and, my personal favorite, short stories of events that are not in the published work.

Later this summer, I will launch a series of short stories that take place 20 years before Operation Kaleidoscope.  They will be filled with spoilers so I'll be giving you all time to finish the novel before I begin posting them but I am excited to share the stories that led up to the events you are about to read.  These stories will be followed by another series of prequel short stories that will be spoiler free to introduce you to the characters of my next novel "Song of the Dove" which will hopefully be ready to start the publication process by Christmas.  In the meantime, I have another kind of story I'd like to share with you.

Many of you (even those who have been there since its conception) do not know the full story of how Operation Kaleidoscope came to be (though I did share a piece of it earlier in this blog, in the entry "Faith so Small"), nor the journey that has developed it into the powerful piece of fiction it now is.  Few know the way my heart broke writing chapter 46 and how I still cry every time I read it (and I read that chapter often), how I feel sick when I read chapter 42 and get chills when I read chapter 41.  Why do I feel this way?  Well for one because I am a very emotional and sentimental creature but also because the journey of these characters is my own as I believe it is each of ours.

Earlier this week, I was talking to a friend who asked why it took me eight years to finish.  The simple answer would be that I was busy, I went to college during those years, worked full time during my Masters and worked in ministry every chance I got.  But the truth is, no matter what I do with my life there's always time to write.  Nothing has shown me that more than my work with Heartlight ministries where I work over 75 hours a week and still have managed to finish nearly 40% of my next novel (more about that at another time).  The truth of why this has been a eight year journey is not an issue of time but an issue of transformation.

When I started writing 13 years ago, I wrote for fun, for myself and the entertainment of my little sisters and our younger cousins.  I wrote nine science-fiction novels based on the imaginary world I created to entertain my insomniac mind in the hours I would stare at the ceiling.  But they were unfit for publication.  Not only because I was merely in middle school but because they did not bring me transformation.  But they did provide fantastic material for my creative writing class my junior year  of high school.  It was through that class that I discovered protagonize.com the birthplace of Operation Kaleidoscope.

Through this website I was able to join with hundreds of other writers of all ages and create characters to go on adventures.  I was part of many collaborations on that site and created hundreds of characters and explored numerous worlds but Colors of the Rainbow changed everything.  I joined with eight other writers (3 of which were members of my family) and we each created a character based on a color of the rainbow (plus white) and developed a super power to go with each of them.  Then we threw these characters into a mansion and took them on some wild adventures.  We went mattress surfing, fought samurai, visited people in dreams, fell in love, were kidnapped and tried to go to the Bahamas all while discovering our super powers.

When the story finally began to gain some direction (thanks to our writer for Isabelline getting kicked off the site and a new author not coming in till 50 chapters later) some of the other writers decided to scrap the story and start over causing the rest of us to leave.  But for me the story still had too much life to throw away.  So, with the permission of the writer who developed the plot (who happened to be my dad), I began writing Operation Rainbow.  I kept the plot, the first names and their powers, gave them proper last names, kept their most prominent characteristics and scrapped the rest.  Then I poured a special ingredient into each one: myself.  To Cobalt I gave my guilt, to Carmine my pride, to Azurite my addiction, to Wisteria my self-hate, to Myrtle my envy, to Mikado my doubt, to Azo my anger and to Isabelline my confusion.

And then I took myself on a journey that would change my life just as it changed theirs and will hopefully change yours.  And that is why it took me seven years to write those last words: "I will never forget".  I finished this story nearly three years ago but it sat on my hard drive, gathering nano-dust as I struggled to discover what it was still missing.  In 2015, I hit a really dark place.  You can read about it on this blog in the entry titled "A Writer's Journey" and in that darkness God found me.  He stripped me of the fear that had caused me to hold onto Operation Rainbow as I waited for a perfection that would never come.  He told me that the story I had to tell was beautiful and then...he told me to delete chapter 46.  I cannot explain what happened after I deleted that chapter except that the words that have now become chapter 46 are not my words.

I cannot read that chapter without crying because I do not remember writing them.  They are the cry of every human heart, and the words that I finally had to accept in order to find freedom for myself.  I could not finish this story until I experienced for myself the very thing I was demanding my characters to experience.  With this revelation Operation Rainbow received a new name: Operation Kaleidoscope.  I hope that as each of you read this story, you will be changed.  This is not just a story for entertainment, it is, I hope, a catalyst for change.

May you find your serendipity!

Ready for Launch

It sure has been a long time since I've done any blogging but it's been a long time coming.  I've now been at Heartlight for seven months as of yesterday and boy oh boy has it been a roller coaster ride.  I'll admit that it is far harder than I ever imagined it would be and there are far more days that I wonder why I'm here than I want to admit.  I have been wrestling with my motivations for the last few months.  Having kids with no care or understanding of God ask me why I chose this job has proven to be quite a challenge.  What answer can I give them that will satisfy? 

In truth, even I wonder sometimes.  When I ask myself, the answers that come to mind are far from satisfactory.  I came to this place because God told me it was time for a change and this was the door he opened.  I've stayed because until now I have needed the closure to a part of my story that I have been working toward for over a decade.  But I have received that closure now.  I am ready for the next part of my journey but this chapter isn't over yet.  Over the last two weeks I have had to ask myself every morning what reason I have to get out of bed and I'm not going to lie the answer has been hard to come by.

But God is faithful!  When we ask, he answers and though it may yet take time to believe the words that he is speaking to my heart, I know that this part of my journey is far from over.  I am hear to build character.  Not just my own, though that is in inevitable part of this chapter, but also the characters of the girls that I will continue working with over these next seven months.  I am not here to be their friends (though that makes things far easier), I'm not here to be the favorite staff (and I've resigned myself that I probably never will be), but I am here to challenge them to be better.

Through it all God has been teaching me the meaning of love.  I wrote a few months ago of my journey in writing my first novel, Operation Kaleidoscope.  It was a seven year journey to find freedom but the breakthrough in the end was far worth the journey.  I am currently writing my second novel, Song of the Dove.  This novel is a story of love in its truest form, a journey I will have to share with you in detail at a later time but one that has already challenged me in incredible ways.  I know God is doing huge things in my heart but my flesh is fighting against those revelations with everything it's got.

I desperately want to know his love but it is far easier to "love" those who give us reason.  I am slowly (far slower than I want to admit) learning that love, true love, doesn't come easily.  It's not something that comes naturally.  Up to this point, my idea of love has been far too dependent on what I can gain and I'll admit, I hate myself for it.  I hate that after 25 years of claiming to know the God who is nothing but love, I still have such a dim understanding of it.  I hate that my idea of love is still so grounded in selfishness and pride.

Everyday I am surrounded in hate and as an HS-INFJ (highly sensitive - introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging), I find it hard not to allow myself to take their hate personally.  I know it's not me they hate not really.  They hate the program, they hate themselves, they hate God and therefore what I represent but they don't hate me.  I am an easy target and one day, just maybe they will be thankful for my part in their difficult journey.  But even if they are not, it can't be their approval I seek.

Love is difficult, I'm slowly learning that in practicality not just speech.  I have to choose them, I have to choose the hard questions, the confrontations and constant forgiveness.  I have to choose not to keep "records of wrong" no matter how much I want to.  I have to choose to show love to the ones who hate me most, not just the ones who are easy.  Why did I choose this journey?  I still don't fully know how to answer that but I don't regret it.  I'm still at peace, still know I'm where I'm supposed to be.  Even when my anxiety threatens to be more than I can bear, even when it seems like no one is on my side and I'm nothing but a screw-up I must remember that THIS right here, is where God has been leading me for eleven years, he's not disappointed and he will bring me through to the end and not a moment sooner.  I'm not a quitter and I will see this journey through to completion no matter how the enemy threatens to destroy me.

Not Recommended

Original Post Date: September 22, 2017

So I’ve been at Heartlight now for 3 weeks and it already feels like a lifetime since I walked through the doors of South House.  These girls are crazy and sometimes difficult and a little maddening but I already can’t imagine my life without them.  Being here has already tested and stretched me beyond what they might ever know.  When I came here I knew it would be difficult, I knew the girls would present numerous challenges and I was ready for it.  What I wasn’t ready for was the way my comfort zone would be constantly violated.

Being a natural introvert I have to push myself from my natural quiet state in order to make connections, hold conversations, and in some cases, jump into the fire.  Every day I am reminded that I am owner of nothing in this world.  Every day, every breath, every dollar, every conversation is a gift that I don’t deserve and yet I continue to receive.  Maybe I will never get all the stuff out of my trunk, maybe for the next year I will constantly be digging through the boxes under my bed, and maybe I’ll have to give up all the human comforts that I have believed for so long were my right.  But that’s ok, because these girls are worth it.

Two weeks ago, four of the girls in our house ran away each for their own reasons but with no intention of coming back.  I hope I never forget the looks on their faces when they came back through those doors.  It was in that moment that I was reminded that these were just kids who just wanted to go home.  Some of them haven’t been home in years because of all the programs they’ve jumped through. 

They put on these tough faces around each other, compare stories and compete for the most tragedy because they don’t know any other way to connect but in that moment sitting in the South House office I saw the fear in their eyes, I felt the anger as one of the girls squeezed my hand to keep from lashing out.  Deep inside when the world isn’t looking, they’re just children who need to know someone loves them enough to come find them when they run, hold them and let them cry after a phone call home, and take a couple skinned knees and bruised hips just for the opportunity to laugh and use that longboard that’s been collecting dust.

It’s taken a full three weeks to get my mind around this job and I know there’s still so much to learn and experience.  Every week things are changing, new intakes come in, kids move up to a new house and out from under my care, kids get pulled from the program, and the kids that stick around are constantly changing as they learn, adapt, fight and grow.  But I’m right there beside them doing the same things, showing them it’s ok to be weak and how to handle those weaknesses.

In just a couple more days, I will be finished with my training and once again everything will change as even more responsibility and expectations will be placed on me.  I know that my comfort zone will continue to be violated, they will continue to press against it, trying to determine what I’m made of and if I’m different then what they’ve seen in the past.  And in exchange I will set out to violate their expectations by being strong enough to stand firm and by making my comfort zone smaller.  God has placed my in this peculiar world called Heartlight and every day he fashions my heart to look a little more like his.  With every comfort I let go of, and every dream I place in his hands I become a little more like him.  And that above all else is 100% worth it. 

Comfort is a thing of the past, my desires something I leave behind every time I walk through the door.  I don’t get to choose my bedtime, I don’t get to shower every day, I don’t get to dress the way I prefer, I don’t always get to sleep in my bed, or go where I wanna go, I don’t get to sit and chill when the girls do.  The girls have a saying they like to use in relation to frustrating things at Heartlight or whenever something doesn’t go their way “10/10 do not recommend”.  It often makes everyone laugh despite the frustration and in many ways I can relate, but God didn’t give me this body or this life or these blessings to spend my life at a desk or in a fast food restaurant.  In his book Heartlight is 1 out of 1 recommended and his is the only opinion I care about.

Journey to the Valley

Original Post Date: August 28, 2017

Here I am finishing up my first week at Heartlight.  I know there are many of you who are dying to know what my new life looks like and others who may have just heard that I even moved to Texas and are curious as to why.  I know there is no possible way I could ever answer everyone’s questions so I decided to start this blog.  Not only so those who care about me can sate their curiosity but so that I can process this new adventure that I am taking.

For those of you who don’t know God gave me my life calling when I was 14 years old (over a decade ago).  It was in a time when high schoolers did not face the confusion of gender identity as they do now and having a friend who came out of the closet in high school was unheard of, taboo, and often an invitation for bullying (far more than it is today).  When I read a story about a girl who found out her best friend was a lesbian it really struck something within me.  Not only because I wondered what I would do in that same situation but because I could suddenly see the pain and 

anguish behind a group of people that the whole world had told me not to touch.

At the time I had no idea how the world was going to change in its approach toward the LGBT community.  I had no idea of the spiritual battles that the church would face in my lifetime or that it would EVER be a question of whether or not homosexuality was “ok”.  I believe that that day in the summer of 2007 was a day that God set the foundation for EVERY major obstacle in my life.  It was that day in the midst of my turning mind and processing of a very difficult subject that God voiced a very important question to me, “Will you venture into the valley with me?”

At the time that valley was the world of high school, and after a lifetime of being homeschooled that valley was terrifying.  As time has passed, God has called me into many valleys, facing things I thought would destroy me.  Sometimes I would be pulled into the valley myself to face my own battles and learn how to fight.  Other times God would call me in to another’s valley so that I could teach them to fight.  But no matter what, there has always been a burning on my heart for the youth, the victims of a generation of depravity. 

Through every valley God has called me through, he has always called me to the teenagers in some way or another.  Deep inside I have always known that one day the road would lead me to a place like Heartlight.  For those who don’t know, Heartlight is a Christian based retreat center for teenagers.  It is filled with hurting teenagers whose parents have reached the end of their ropes and sent them to this place to find help.  Many of these teenagers have done drugs, self-harmed and have become violent.  Many people believe they are beyond help because they have been through so many different programs with no success.  But none take the approach of Heartlight.

At Heartlight everything is done in love.  We aren’t intent on enforcing rules at the expense of a child.  The ultimate goal is to make sure that every child feels wanted and accepted and eventually trusted, while being given guidance to live a better life and build real relationships.  Yes, they receive counseling and yes, they take medications and yes, they have rules and sometimes punishments and yes, they feel like they’re in prison.  But I know of no other prison or psych ward that takes a kid to coffee when they run away, or gives them a paintball gun so they can shoot their “warden”, or plans whole weekends where all their family members can come and hang out with them, or let’s them go into town alone once they’ve gained enough trust.

This is the valley that God has called me into and I can tell you it’s been an incredible journey just to get to this place.  There have been numerous times in the last month that I have questioned everything, including my own ability to make sane decisions.  I have been filled with absolute terror wondering what the heck I have to offer to a bunch of kids that have not only ventured into the darkest valleys but have pitched a tent and built a life there.  On more than one occasion, I have had to remind myself of that night in 2007 when God asked me to follow him and I said yes.

I may not have known what saying yes would require of me, at the time I had no idea what lie past high school.  I had my ideas but I never could have imagined this.  I might not feel like I have what it takes to do this job but I know that God has been preparing me for this moment.  When I walked through the doors of my new home and was met with eight skeptical pairs of eyes, I wanted to turn and run.  It was loud and chaotic and I knew these girls didn’t trust me.  I’ve never considered myself to be tough, I’m the type to back down from a fight.  What business do I have to stand like a brick wall in the face of pain I can’t even imagine.

That first day I wanted to turn around and go back to the safety of Wisconsin.  The second day I just wanted to hide in my room all day.  The third day I started counting down the days till I could quit.  The fourth day, I wanted to call my mom but my mind was in too much turmoil to even manage a conversation.  The fifth day I started to notice the shift.  Just tiny changes such as them greeting me when I came back to the house or engaging me in conversations.  And then last night some of them started inviting me into their private space and allowed me to ask some questions.

I know things won’t always be this good, I know that I won’t always be their favorite and there will be times when they will push my buttons, but right now I’m thankful that there are a few who don’t mind me being around and are willing to open up.  I’m thankful that God is allowing me to ease into this valley without having to deal with any major issues, yet.  And I’m thankful for the other staff members in my house who are guiding me through this process and the new staff members who are diving into this craziness with me.  I don’t know what the future is going to hold but I do know that these next few months are going to be one crazy ride.

For more info on Heartlight click here.  And check in every weekend for more updates.  Due to the nature of my job I will not be publishing weekly links on social media in order to help with privacy. also many details will be limited, changed or left out.  This blog is to share my own journey not the journey of any of the residents I will be working with.  Though part of my journey will be intertwined with the girls I will be working with this is not a place for me vent or gossip in anyway but rather to share what details I can for those who I know are praying for me.  Feel free to leave comments or questions but understand that I may have to answer questions privately and in many cases may not be able to answer at all.  I love you all and look forward to sharing this journey with you.