Here I am finishing up my first week at Heartlight. I know there are many of you who are dying to know what my new life looks like and others who may have just heard that I even moved to Texas and are curious as to why. I know there is no possible way I could ever answer everyone’s questions so I decided to start this blog. Not only so those who care about me can sate their curiosity but so that I can process this new adventure that I am taking.
For those of you who don’t know God gave me my life calling when I was 14 years old (over a decade ago). It was in a time when high schoolers did not face the confusion of gender identity as they do now and having a friend who came out of the closet in high school was unheard of, taboo, and often an invitation for bullying (far more than it is today). When I read a story about a girl who found out her best friend was a lesbian it really struck something within me. Not only because I wondered what I would do in that same situation but because I could suddenly see the pain and
anguish behind a group of people that the whole world had told me not to touch.
At the time I had no idea how the world was going to change in its approach toward the LGBT community. I had no idea of the spiritual battles that the church would face in my lifetime or that it would EVER be a question of whether or not homosexuality was “ok”. I believe that that day in the summer of 2007 was a day that God set the foundation for EVERY major obstacle in my life. It was that day in the midst of my turning mind and processing of a very difficult subject that God voiced a very important question to me, “Will you venture into the valley with me?”
At the time that valley was the world of high school, and after a lifetime of being homeschooled that valley was terrifying. As time has passed, God has called me into many valleys, facing things I thought would destroy me. Sometimes I would be pulled into the valley myself to face my own battles and learn how to fight. Other times God would call me in to another’s valley so that I could teach them to fight. But no matter what, there has always been a burning on my heart for the youth, the victims of a generation of depravity.
Through every valley God has called me through, he has always called me to the teenagers in some way or another. Deep inside I have always known that one day the road would lead me to a place like Heartlight. For those who don’t know, Heartlight is a Christian based retreat center for teenagers. It is filled with hurting teenagers whose parents have reached the end of their ropes and sent them to this place to find help. Many of these teenagers have done drugs, self-harmed and have become violent. Many people believe they are beyond help because they have been through so many different programs with no success. But none take the approach of Heartlight.
At Heartlight everything is done in love. We aren’t intent on enforcing rules at the expense of a child. The ultimate goal is to make sure that every child feels wanted and accepted and eventually trusted, while being given guidance to live a better life and build real relationships. Yes, they receive counseling and yes, they take medications and yes, they have rules and sometimes punishments and yes, they feel like they’re in prison. But I know of no other prison or psych ward that takes a kid to coffee when they run away, or gives them a paintball gun so they can shoot their “warden”, or plans whole weekends where all their family members can come and hang out with them, or let’s them go into town alone once they’ve gained enough trust.
This is the valley that God has called me into and I can tell you it’s been an incredible journey just to get to this place. There have been numerous times in the last month that I have questioned everything, including my own ability to make sane decisions. I have been filled with absolute terror wondering what the heck I have to offer to a bunch of kids that have not only ventured into the darkest valleys but have pitched a tent and built a life there. On more than one occasion, I have had to remind myself of that night in 2007 when God asked me to follow him and I said yes.
I may not have known what saying yes would require of me, at the time I had no idea what lie past high school. I had my ideas but I never could have imagined this. I might not feel like I have what it takes to do this job but I know that God has been preparing me for this moment. When I walked through the doors of my new home and was met with eight skeptical pairs of eyes, I wanted to turn and run. It was loud and chaotic and I knew these girls didn’t trust me. I’ve never considered myself to be tough, I’m the type to back down from a fight. What business do I have to stand like a brick wall in the face of pain I can’t even imagine.
That first day I wanted to turn around and go back to the safety of Wisconsin. The second day I just wanted to hide in my room all day. The third day I started counting down the days till I could quit. The fourth day, I wanted to call my mom but my mind was in too much turmoil to even manage a conversation. The fifth day I started to notice the shift. Just tiny changes such as them greeting me when I came back to the house or engaging me in conversations. And then last night some of them started inviting me into their private space and allowed me to ask some questions.
I know things won’t always be this good, I know that I won’t always be their favorite and there will be times when they will push my buttons, but right now I’m thankful that there are a few who don’t mind me being around and are willing to open up. I’m thankful that God is allowing me to ease into this valley without having to deal with any major issues, yet. And I’m thankful for the other staff members in my house who are guiding me through this process and the new staff members who are diving into this craziness with me. I don’t know what the future is going to hold but I do know that these next few months are going to be one crazy ride.
For more info on Heartlight click here. And check in every weekend for more updates. Due to the nature of my job I will not be publishing weekly links on social media in order to help with privacy. also many details will be limited, changed or left out. This blog is to share my own journey not the journey of any of the residents I will be working with. Though part of my journey will be intertwined with the girls I will be working with this is not a place for me vent or gossip in anyway but rather to share what details I can for those who I know are praying for me. Feel free to leave comments or questions but understand that I may have to answer questions privately and in many cases may not be able to answer at all. I love you all and look forward to sharing this journey with you.
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