Ready for Launch

It sure has been a long time since I've done any blogging but it's been a long time coming.  I've now been at Heartlight for seven months as of yesterday and boy oh boy has it been a roller coaster ride.  I'll admit that it is far harder than I ever imagined it would be and there are far more days that I wonder why I'm here than I want to admit.  I have been wrestling with my motivations for the last few months.  Having kids with no care or understanding of God ask me why I chose this job has proven to be quite a challenge.  What answer can I give them that will satisfy? 

In truth, even I wonder sometimes.  When I ask myself, the answers that come to mind are far from satisfactory.  I came to this place because God told me it was time for a change and this was the door he opened.  I've stayed because until now I have needed the closure to a part of my story that I have been working toward for over a decade.  But I have received that closure now.  I am ready for the next part of my journey but this chapter isn't over yet.  Over the last two weeks I have had to ask myself every morning what reason I have to get out of bed and I'm not going to lie the answer has been hard to come by.

But God is faithful!  When we ask, he answers and though it may yet take time to believe the words that he is speaking to my heart, I know that this part of my journey is far from over.  I am hear to build character.  Not just my own, though that is in inevitable part of this chapter, but also the characters of the girls that I will continue working with over these next seven months.  I am not here to be their friends (though that makes things far easier), I'm not here to be the favorite staff (and I've resigned myself that I probably never will be), but I am here to challenge them to be better.

Through it all God has been teaching me the meaning of love.  I wrote a few months ago of my journey in writing my first novel, Operation Kaleidoscope.  It was a seven year journey to find freedom but the breakthrough in the end was far worth the journey.  I am currently writing my second novel, Song of the Dove.  This novel is a story of love in its truest form, a journey I will have to share with you in detail at a later time but one that has already challenged me in incredible ways.  I know God is doing huge things in my heart but my flesh is fighting against those revelations with everything it's got.

I desperately want to know his love but it is far easier to "love" those who give us reason.  I am slowly (far slower than I want to admit) learning that love, true love, doesn't come easily.  It's not something that comes naturally.  Up to this point, my idea of love has been far too dependent on what I can gain and I'll admit, I hate myself for it.  I hate that after 25 years of claiming to know the God who is nothing but love, I still have such a dim understanding of it.  I hate that my idea of love is still so grounded in selfishness and pride.

Everyday I am surrounded in hate and as an HS-INFJ (highly sensitive - introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging), I find it hard not to allow myself to take their hate personally.  I know it's not me they hate not really.  They hate the program, they hate themselves, they hate God and therefore what I represent but they don't hate me.  I am an easy target and one day, just maybe they will be thankful for my part in their difficult journey.  But even if they are not, it can't be their approval I seek.

Love is difficult, I'm slowly learning that in practicality not just speech.  I have to choose them, I have to choose the hard questions, the confrontations and constant forgiveness.  I have to choose not to keep "records of wrong" no matter how much I want to.  I have to choose to show love to the ones who hate me most, not just the ones who are easy.  Why did I choose this journey?  I still don't fully know how to answer that but I don't regret it.  I'm still at peace, still know I'm where I'm supposed to be.  Even when my anxiety threatens to be more than I can bear, even when it seems like no one is on my side and I'm nothing but a screw-up I must remember that THIS right here, is where God has been leading me for eleven years, he's not disappointed and he will bring me through to the end and not a moment sooner.  I'm not a quitter and I will see this journey through to completion no matter how the enemy threatens to destroy me.

Not Recommended

Original Post Date: September 22, 2017

So I’ve been at Heartlight now for 3 weeks and it already feels like a lifetime since I walked through the doors of South House.  These girls are crazy and sometimes difficult and a little maddening but I already can’t imagine my life without them.  Being here has already tested and stretched me beyond what they might ever know.  When I came here I knew it would be difficult, I knew the girls would present numerous challenges and I was ready for it.  What I wasn’t ready for was the way my comfort zone would be constantly violated.

Being a natural introvert I have to push myself from my natural quiet state in order to make connections, hold conversations, and in some cases, jump into the fire.  Every day I am reminded that I am owner of nothing in this world.  Every day, every breath, every dollar, every conversation is a gift that I don’t deserve and yet I continue to receive.  Maybe I will never get all the stuff out of my trunk, maybe for the next year I will constantly be digging through the boxes under my bed, and maybe I’ll have to give up all the human comforts that I have believed for so long were my right.  But that’s ok, because these girls are worth it.

Two weeks ago, four of the girls in our house ran away each for their own reasons but with no intention of coming back.  I hope I never forget the looks on their faces when they came back through those doors.  It was in that moment that I was reminded that these were just kids who just wanted to go home.  Some of them haven’t been home in years because of all the programs they’ve jumped through. 

They put on these tough faces around each other, compare stories and compete for the most tragedy because they don’t know any other way to connect but in that moment sitting in the South House office I saw the fear in their eyes, I felt the anger as one of the girls squeezed my hand to keep from lashing out.  Deep inside when the world isn’t looking, they’re just children who need to know someone loves them enough to come find them when they run, hold them and let them cry after a phone call home, and take a couple skinned knees and bruised hips just for the opportunity to laugh and use that longboard that’s been collecting dust.

It’s taken a full three weeks to get my mind around this job and I know there’s still so much to learn and experience.  Every week things are changing, new intakes come in, kids move up to a new house and out from under my care, kids get pulled from the program, and the kids that stick around are constantly changing as they learn, adapt, fight and grow.  But I’m right there beside them doing the same things, showing them it’s ok to be weak and how to handle those weaknesses.

In just a couple more days, I will be finished with my training and once again everything will change as even more responsibility and expectations will be placed on me.  I know that my comfort zone will continue to be violated, they will continue to press against it, trying to determine what I’m made of and if I’m different then what they’ve seen in the past.  And in exchange I will set out to violate their expectations by being strong enough to stand firm and by making my comfort zone smaller.  God has placed my in this peculiar world called Heartlight and every day he fashions my heart to look a little more like his.  With every comfort I let go of, and every dream I place in his hands I become a little more like him.  And that above all else is 100% worth it. 

Comfort is a thing of the past, my desires something I leave behind every time I walk through the door.  I don’t get to choose my bedtime, I don’t get to shower every day, I don’t get to dress the way I prefer, I don’t always get to sleep in my bed, or go where I wanna go, I don’t get to sit and chill when the girls do.  The girls have a saying they like to use in relation to frustrating things at Heartlight or whenever something doesn’t go their way “10/10 do not recommend”.  It often makes everyone laugh despite the frustration and in many ways I can relate, but God didn’t give me this body or this life or these blessings to spend my life at a desk or in a fast food restaurant.  In his book Heartlight is 1 out of 1 recommended and his is the only opinion I care about.

Journey to the Valley

Original Post Date: August 28, 2017

Here I am finishing up my first week at Heartlight.  I know there are many of you who are dying to know what my new life looks like and others who may have just heard that I even moved to Texas and are curious as to why.  I know there is no possible way I could ever answer everyone’s questions so I decided to start this blog.  Not only so those who care about me can sate their curiosity but so that I can process this new adventure that I am taking.

For those of you who don’t know God gave me my life calling when I was 14 years old (over a decade ago).  It was in a time when high schoolers did not face the confusion of gender identity as they do now and having a friend who came out of the closet in high school was unheard of, taboo, and often an invitation for bullying (far more than it is today).  When I read a story about a girl who found out her best friend was a lesbian it really struck something within me.  Not only because I wondered what I would do in that same situation but because I could suddenly see the pain and 

anguish behind a group of people that the whole world had told me not to touch.

At the time I had no idea how the world was going to change in its approach toward the LGBT community.  I had no idea of the spiritual battles that the church would face in my lifetime or that it would EVER be a question of whether or not homosexuality was “ok”.  I believe that that day in the summer of 2007 was a day that God set the foundation for EVERY major obstacle in my life.  It was that day in the midst of my turning mind and processing of a very difficult subject that God voiced a very important question to me, “Will you venture into the valley with me?”

At the time that valley was the world of high school, and after a lifetime of being homeschooled that valley was terrifying.  As time has passed, God has called me into many valleys, facing things I thought would destroy me.  Sometimes I would be pulled into the valley myself to face my own battles and learn how to fight.  Other times God would call me in to another’s valley so that I could teach them to fight.  But no matter what, there has always been a burning on my heart for the youth, the victims of a generation of depravity. 

Through every valley God has called me through, he has always called me to the teenagers in some way or another.  Deep inside I have always known that one day the road would lead me to a place like Heartlight.  For those who don’t know, Heartlight is a Christian based retreat center for teenagers.  It is filled with hurting teenagers whose parents have reached the end of their ropes and sent them to this place to find help.  Many of these teenagers have done drugs, self-harmed and have become violent.  Many people believe they are beyond help because they have been through so many different programs with no success.  But none take the approach of Heartlight.

At Heartlight everything is done in love.  We aren’t intent on enforcing rules at the expense of a child.  The ultimate goal is to make sure that every child feels wanted and accepted and eventually trusted, while being given guidance to live a better life and build real relationships.  Yes, they receive counseling and yes, they take medications and yes, they have rules and sometimes punishments and yes, they feel like they’re in prison.  But I know of no other prison or psych ward that takes a kid to coffee when they run away, or gives them a paintball gun so they can shoot their “warden”, or plans whole weekends where all their family members can come and hang out with them, or let’s them go into town alone once they’ve gained enough trust.

This is the valley that God has called me into and I can tell you it’s been an incredible journey just to get to this place.  There have been numerous times in the last month that I have questioned everything, including my own ability to make sane decisions.  I have been filled with absolute terror wondering what the heck I have to offer to a bunch of kids that have not only ventured into the darkest valleys but have pitched a tent and built a life there.  On more than one occasion, I have had to remind myself of that night in 2007 when God asked me to follow him and I said yes.

I may not have known what saying yes would require of me, at the time I had no idea what lie past high school.  I had my ideas but I never could have imagined this.  I might not feel like I have what it takes to do this job but I know that God has been preparing me for this moment.  When I walked through the doors of my new home and was met with eight skeptical pairs of eyes, I wanted to turn and run.  It was loud and chaotic and I knew these girls didn’t trust me.  I’ve never considered myself to be tough, I’m the type to back down from a fight.  What business do I have to stand like a brick wall in the face of pain I can’t even imagine.

That first day I wanted to turn around and go back to the safety of Wisconsin.  The second day I just wanted to hide in my room all day.  The third day I started counting down the days till I could quit.  The fourth day, I wanted to call my mom but my mind was in too much turmoil to even manage a conversation.  The fifth day I started to notice the shift.  Just tiny changes such as them greeting me when I came back to the house or engaging me in conversations.  And then last night some of them started inviting me into their private space and allowed me to ask some questions.

I know things won’t always be this good, I know that I won’t always be their favorite and there will be times when they will push my buttons, but right now I’m thankful that there are a few who don’t mind me being around and are willing to open up.  I’m thankful that God is allowing me to ease into this valley without having to deal with any major issues, yet.  And I’m thankful for the other staff members in my house who are guiding me through this process and the new staff members who are diving into this craziness with me.  I don’t know what the future is going to hold but I do know that these next few months are going to be one crazy ride.

For more info on Heartlight click here.  And check in every weekend for more updates.  Due to the nature of my job I will not be publishing weekly links on social media in order to help with privacy. also many details will be limited, changed or left out.  This blog is to share my own journey not the journey of any of the residents I will be working with.  Though part of my journey will be intertwined with the girls I will be working with this is not a place for me vent or gossip in anyway but rather to share what details I can for those who I know are praying for me.  Feel free to leave comments or questions but understand that I may have to answer questions privately and in many cases may not be able to answer at all.  I love you all and look forward to sharing this journey with you.