My Confession

Verse:

During the days of Jesus' life on earth. he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission - Hebrews 5:7

Thought of the Week

Have you ever taken a moment to contemplate the concept of Jesus?  He is human and God...human AND God.  It's a dilemma that has never really worked in my mind.  I can grasp the trinity, grasp why he had to die, I can make sense of his greatness as much as my feeble, finite mind is allowed, I can accept the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in my life and logically accept that he has chosen me as his bride.  These are all difficult things to explain and I know that there is still so much that is unrevealed but I can work it out in my mind to come to a place to accept it.  But Jesus?  I just can't make logical sense of him.  

It's his youth that I can't seem to grasp.  OK so he's 100% God just with flesh.  Ok, I can grasp that but now he's an impersonal being who seems distant.  Of course he overcame temptation he's God!  Of course he would go to the cross!  Of course, he would love unconditionally that's who God is.  But telling us to be like him or even do greater things than him?  That seems far-fetched.  How am I supposed to come even close to being like a Being that is so far above me.  Being 100% God sure seems like an unfair advantage.  But at least that makes sense in my head.

I can even make sense of him being 100% human.  Now he's relatable, a great man who went through the same struggles I do and yet changed the world.  I can gain inspiration from this man and his teachings.  I can find encouragement in his story just as any other Biblical story.  I can be inspired and motivated by the miracles he preformed.  But I'm 100% human and I know the temptation and distractions of this life.  I know that part of being human is to make mistakes, to stumble, to occasionally cave to the pressure.  Jesus couldn't have been 100% human if he didn't even mess up as a child, that just seems unrealistic.  

And so now I'm back to square one:  He didn't mess up because he's God but if he's God, then he's a human with an unfair advantage.  How can Jesus be both.  I can accept God as this ultimate good who is so far above my imagining I would never dare to question his methods.  I can accept the Holy Spirit who is gentle like a breath of wind when I need encouragement, and yet fierce like a turbulent storm when I need correcting.  I can accept a Jesus who is completely God and therefore all-powerful and magnificent and worthy to be praised.  I can accept a Jesus who is completely human and therefore relatable and understanding and a perfect friend.  I can grasp the trinity because though they are the same, they are also of three distinct characters.  All these things have categories within my mind in which they fit...except Jesus.

I realize now that I have always put Jesus into two separate boxes, only opening one at a time because opening both would be overwhelming.   So instead, in times of trials, I am left with only have a picture: either a weak man who understands but can do nothing about it, or a strong God who could care less how I feel.  Even as I write this I am overwhelmed at the weight of what this has meant for my life and for my faith.  It's as if I have been serving two God's all along under the guise of Christianity.

I think in deepest recesses of my soul, far from where even my eyes can see, I have always seen Jesus as something of a fraud.  It sounds blasphemous even to type it but it's true.  It's like watching a close friend die a tragic death and someone telling you they know how you feel because they had a dog who died once.  How can GOD relate to ME?  How can God look down on my guilt, my fear, my pain and tell me that he honestly understands what I'm going through.  I know Jesus went through pain and trials but he was God so of course he overcame.  It feels like I just found out that my best friend was manipulating me with a sob story that isn't even true.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I want to see JESUS the same way I see the rest of the trinity. I want to be left in awe of the entire trinity, not just father and Holy Spirit.  I want to trust him the way I always say I do.  I don't want him to be distant.  I don't want to see him as a sham.  I don't want to get an unexplainable discomfort whenever I hear his name.  I want Jesus to be familiar to me, I want to combine the boxes and be overwhelmed by his true nature, even though it baffles me.  I want to know him, truly know him and see where he takes me.

Digging Deeper: 

If reading this entry has stirred the same questions in your mind or brought to the surface your own skewed views of God (any part of him) please join me in searching for answers.  I personally will be diving into the gospels as I examine the life of Jesus in a brand new way over the next few months.

I am also looking for studies and commentaries that dig deeper into Jesus life and teaching if you have any suggestions.

Feel free to share your own experiences or questions in the comments below.