Verse: But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful. - Psalms 68:3Topic: Why am I not more happy even though I'm a Christian?
Personal Piece: So I've been waiting for the right time to tell my story and I think that this week is the week to tell it. By that I mean the story of how I came to be the person I am today with all the good, the bad and the ugly. I know there are some within my own family who have not even heard the fullness of this story so I'd like to share it here. That said this post may be longer than normal.
Thought of the Week: Like many young people in this day in age I struggled with depression for many years but my experience with depression started at a far earlier age than most. I was born into a Christian family so I knew what Christians were supposed to look like and yet I could never live up to that picture. I don't remember the exact moment my self-esteem plummeted but I do know that the night I accepted Jesus into my heart I was too scared to tell my parents because I was afraid they would be upset that I hadn't gone up to the alter when they had asked earlier that night. I was only 4 years old. My whole life changed when I was 8 years old and we changed both houses and churches and since I was homeschooled my entire friend group changed. The years between 8 and 12 are not nearly as clear to me as those prior. I remember a lot of yelling and hurtful words but mostly I remember the fear. The fear that I was becoming exactly like my father and that if others found out they would reject me. So instead of facing that rejection I hid in my room and escaped to the other worlds I could find in books, music and eventually video games and pulled deep within myself to hide the anger. During that time I frequently begged God to come and rescue me from the pain of living or else just give me one true friend.
Though I didn't realize it at the time, God has not ceased to answer that prayer and I have never had a shortage of friends, though I'm still waiting for him to bring the type of friend my heart truly longs for. The first answer to this prayer came in a kid named Aaron who I was instantly attracted to. He was the first kid at my new church who actually acknowledged my existence and stood up for me against the other guys. Soon I was a regular part of their group. Three years later Aaron told me I needed to back off but that exact same day was the day that my old best friend returned to my life and kept my heart from shattering. Haley was outspoken and had spent a lot of time with the wrong group of people during our years apart. She was boy crazy and could hardly handle the single life.
Though Haley was not the ideal friend she was the only person who had grown up inside the walls I had built. I trusted her. But the fear and the anger were still there waiting for the ideal moment to pounce. I still hadn't dealt with the sickness only the symptoms.
When I was 14 I had my first real conversation with God. It was the first time I really heard God's voice and it was the first time I felt a divine burden for the people of the world and I wanted to do something about it. Though there were still many years of healing ahead of me, I had a direction to go and knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I was made to help people. Two months later Aaron came back into my life and wasted no time in asking me out. Over the next 3 years I plummeted deeper into depression as guilt started to overwhelm me. I loved Aaron and he had always been there for me in ways that others never had but deep in my heart I knew that he wasn't the man I was going to marry and for three years I wrestled with God. Between anger and guilt and a serious lack of self-esteem I was practically paralyzed with fear and pulled the man who loved me through the ringer. He held a level of patience that I had never experienced before and even that scared me. I was still certain that if he ever saw the true extent of my anger he would leave and since I didn't have the strength to break up myself, I sabotaged the relationship until he fell out of love with me and broke it off himself.
I moved to Missouri 7 months later to start college. It was an easy escape and I fully believed everything would change. I immediately fell for a guy who was 4 years older than me. He was experienced and manipulative and I was naive and hurting. I knew in my heart that it was just a rebound relationship and that he didn't even really like me but I went along with. Thankfully God brought me to my senses right in the knick of time. But when Corey realized I wasn't going to give him anything he pulled away. But not before he had taken everything I understood about God and the Holy Spirit and trampled it in the mud. It took me 5 years to unravel the lies he had told me and determine what I believed again. During that time I found my self-worth in my education. I could get good grades with half the effort of others and was able to manage a full class schedule and a part time job. It made others jealous and that brought me a small sliver of happiness.
Then everything changed. That night I reached the end of my rope, after 22 years I finally ran out of options and then God stepped in. That night I had a dream of walking through the dark hallways of a prison. The cells were empty but the darkness was oppressive. And yet I was not alone, something was there in the darkness with me, a presence that was guiding me confidently through the darkness. Then I rounded a corner and came into a room filled with the most beautiful light I have ever seen. It filled the room and shone off the freshly carved tables and chairs that filled the room. Two large windows filled the room but there was no glass. The world beyond was filled with brambles and thorns but inside that room I was safe. When I woke God told me clear as day that I was getting ready to come out of the darkness and find the healing I had been longing for. And he has not failed to uphold that promise.
It has been a long journey that is far from completed and I still have to face struggles but I know who I am now and who God is. Now that I've encountered him and seen his light I could never go back to that darkness. My prayer for those who read this and hear my story is that you will step back and learn to recognize God's hand in your life. That you will learn to recognize God's voice and learn that happiness and joy are vastly different. No matter what your story or what you've been through, your story has value. I spent many years of my life believing that my story was not worth telling because I was not delivered from drugs or promiscuity. Those things aren't necessary to tell a good story. If you are not the same person you were 10, 5 or even 1 year ago then you have a story to tell. If God has touched your life or changed your path then you have a story to tell. So go out and tell it.
Digging Deeper: Depression effects 2.8 million teenagers and 14.8
million adults. 70%
of teenagers will suffer from multiple bouts of depression before they turn
18. 30% of those teenagers will also
struggle with substance abuse and many struggle with a low social life, trouble
at school or work, higher risk of pregnancy or STD's, physical illness and
thoughts of suicide. Only 33% of people
who struggle with depression ever seek help.
For more information on depression and recovery check out "Moving Beyond Depression", "Turning your Down into Up", or "5 Keys to Dealing with Depression" by Gregory Jantz
If you are struggling with depression please seek help. Your pastor is a good place to start but if the problem has persisted for longer than a month you should seriously consider getting help from a professional counselor. There is no shame in getting help, only courage. It takes serious strength to seek help and keep living rather than take the easy way out. Don't do it alone, even the healthiest people need others to lean on when things get hard.
Challenge: A few weeks ago I challenged you to write out your story, today I'm going to challenge you to share it with someone. Tell your story and what God has done in your life. Use it as an opportunity to tell someone about Jesus. Make sure you take the time to hear their story too. If they're unsure what to say, ask them to tell you two or three things that have shaped the person they are today. If possible pray for them. But most of all show them the love of Christ.
For more information on depression and recovery check out "Moving Beyond Depression", "Turning your Down into Up", or "5 Keys to Dealing with Depression" by Gregory Jantz
If you are struggling with depression please seek help. Your pastor is a good place to start but if the problem has persisted for longer than a month you should seriously consider getting help from a professional counselor. There is no shame in getting help, only courage. It takes serious strength to seek help and keep living rather than take the easy way out. Don't do it alone, even the healthiest people need others to lean on when things get hard.
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