Ready for Launch

It sure has been a long time since I've done any blogging but it's been a long time coming.  I've now been at Heartlight for seven months as of yesterday and boy oh boy has it been a roller coaster ride.  I'll admit that it is far harder than I ever imagined it would be and there are far more days that I wonder why I'm here than I want to admit.  I have been wrestling with my motivations for the last few months.  Having kids with no care or understanding of God ask me why I chose this job has proven to be quite a challenge.  What answer can I give them that will satisfy? 

In truth, even I wonder sometimes.  When I ask myself, the answers that come to mind are far from satisfactory.  I came to this place because God told me it was time for a change and this was the door he opened.  I've stayed because until now I have needed the closure to a part of my story that I have been working toward for over a decade.  But I have received that closure now.  I am ready for the next part of my journey but this chapter isn't over yet.  Over the last two weeks I have had to ask myself every morning what reason I have to get out of bed and I'm not going to lie the answer has been hard to come by.

But God is faithful!  When we ask, he answers and though it may yet take time to believe the words that he is speaking to my heart, I know that this part of my journey is far from over.  I am hear to build character.  Not just my own, though that is in inevitable part of this chapter, but also the characters of the girls that I will continue working with over these next seven months.  I am not here to be their friends (though that makes things far easier), I'm not here to be the favorite staff (and I've resigned myself that I probably never will be), but I am here to challenge them to be better.

Through it all God has been teaching me the meaning of love.  I wrote a few months ago of my journey in writing my first novel, Operation Kaleidoscope.  It was a seven year journey to find freedom but the breakthrough in the end was far worth the journey.  I am currently writing my second novel, Song of the Dove.  This novel is a story of love in its truest form, a journey I will have to share with you in detail at a later time but one that has already challenged me in incredible ways.  I know God is doing huge things in my heart but my flesh is fighting against those revelations with everything it's got.

I desperately want to know his love but it is far easier to "love" those who give us reason.  I am slowly (far slower than I want to admit) learning that love, true love, doesn't come easily.  It's not something that comes naturally.  Up to this point, my idea of love has been far too dependent on what I can gain and I'll admit, I hate myself for it.  I hate that after 25 years of claiming to know the God who is nothing but love, I still have such a dim understanding of it.  I hate that my idea of love is still so grounded in selfishness and pride.

Everyday I am surrounded in hate and as an HS-INFJ (highly sensitive - introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging), I find it hard not to allow myself to take their hate personally.  I know it's not me they hate not really.  They hate the program, they hate themselves, they hate God and therefore what I represent but they don't hate me.  I am an easy target and one day, just maybe they will be thankful for my part in their difficult journey.  But even if they are not, it can't be their approval I seek.

Love is difficult, I'm slowly learning that in practicality not just speech.  I have to choose them, I have to choose the hard questions, the confrontations and constant forgiveness.  I have to choose not to keep "records of wrong" no matter how much I want to.  I have to choose to show love to the ones who hate me most, not just the ones who are easy.  Why did I choose this journey?  I still don't fully know how to answer that but I don't regret it.  I'm still at peace, still know I'm where I'm supposed to be.  Even when my anxiety threatens to be more than I can bear, even when it seems like no one is on my side and I'm nothing but a screw-up I must remember that THIS right here, is where God has been leading me for eleven years, he's not disappointed and he will bring me through to the end and not a moment sooner.  I'm not a quitter and I will see this journey through to completion no matter how the enemy threatens to destroy me.